Two

We may not understand it always, but the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves.

Spoiler alert: you probably know the end to this story.

I had always been the girl who had it all together. My life was all figured out. I did everything - literally. I woke up, went to seminary, a full eight-period class schedule with a few APs here and there, three band classes, cheerleading, student council president, the school musical, work, and then trying to find time to eat and sleep if I was lucky. I also volunteered with a ton of service groups in town and was coordinator of a program that gives 180 children Christmas presents and planned prom and two formal dances and the list goes on and on. I didn't realize it as first but I was killing myself. Like I really don't know how I survived high school when I now get exhausted reading this list.

Junior year rolls around and I'm stressed more than ever. I was lucky if I was sleeping five hours a night and still was keeping A's {I'm not telling you this to brag but to show you where I'm coming from}. After all this, I had to study for the SAT/ACT and figure out where I was going to spend the next four years of my life.  No pressure or anything.

For the first time, I was stumped. I didn't know what I wanted. It surprised even me. Like I don't know if I can explain how undecided I was on what I was doing past June 8th, 2012.

Applications went out and I waited. I talked and researched and deliberated and wondered what I was going to do when those letters came home. 'Maybe I'll get denied from a few and that will make it easier,' I thought.

I thought wrong. 

Four acceptance letters came back and I was no closer to knowing where I was going to go anymore than I know the exact outfit I'd wear in two weeks. Info meetings, prayers, more research. At one point I was enrolled at two universities. 

I remember the day so vividly. My phone lit up and I had a message from Mom telling me it was probably best if I enrolled at BYU. I turned in my acceptance, applied for housing and paid my deposit. Then I cried. I was home alone that day and I could not stop. Why was I turning down not just the other schools but the opportunities? I was trying to maintain my composure as I called them to withdraw and get my deposit back from the other school.

People started asking me about my plans for the coming year and I couldn't just tell them my options anymore. I braced myself for the "Oh...."s and the eyerolls and the marriage jokes when I told them I was going to BYU. I had to pretend like I was happy about it when in reality, I had no idea why I was going there. Utah? It snows there. That's where people go to get there MRS degree and drop out! Not me! I had plans and goals, so why was doing this to myself?

My happy ending and my answer -my miracle- didn't come until a year and a half after that moment.

Along the way I finally got to campus and I hated everything. My friends weren't here. It snowed. Utah was weird. My roommate and I didn't always get along. I didn't have enough money. I cried myself to sleep. My classes were awful and so were my grades for the first time ever. I had friends but it didn't feel the same.

I just wanted to be anywhere but Provo, Utah.

I didn't begin to know why until my second semester. I was as lost as ever. I signed up for a religion class from a professor who literally changed my life. I made friends who actually became friends, not just people I talked to. I grew spiritually, emotionally and socially. This isn't to say that everything was fine and dandy, because it wasn't. My classes were harder than ever. I still missed home. But I realized Provo was becoming my home. People here were becoming my family. I didn't want to leave.

What was happening to me??

I went home for the summer and I realized I was counting down the days till I could go back to Utah. I talked to my new family literally everyday. I was anxious and antsy. Seriously, what was happening?

Fall 2013 was a great semester full of new experiences. I was ecstatic to be back, to have my own place, and to explore Provo even more. It didn't make sense. But the most surprising thing by far was my reaction to the first snow. I smiled and laughed at myself for smiling and did a little dance and all those cheesy cliché movie reactions. A asked me if I was feeling alright. I mean, this was really out of the ordinary. 

I had given up on wondering why I was here and just accepted it. Maybe my unanswered prayer was really and answer telling me just to enjoy the ride because I'll figure it out in the end.

Wrong.

I went to church Sunday with A and just expected a typical day at church. The Sunday school lesson was about teaching and learning and I never could've anticipated the turn of events.

C started talking about his experiences toward the end of the mission. He was enrolled at another school, he thought he had his life in order. And then the mission president told him that's not what he was to do. C accepted it because the president still received revelation for him. That's a cool story on it's own, but I was immediately drawn in; the school he was enrolled in was the same one I thought I was "supposed" to attend.

He didn't know why either but he did it. He came to know he needed to be here at BYU. The he read BYU's mission statement:

The mission of Brigham Young University--founded, supported, and guided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--is to assist individuals in their quest for perfection and eternal life.

How wonderful and inspiring it is to know the Lord not only provided me with an answer to my prayers but also an entire university to help me on my progression toward eternal life.

I knew

• that I needed to be here.
• that the Lord provided for me.
• that no matter how I felt, I was doing better that I thought.
• that I, who avoided for so long, needed this environment to help me because of my struggles the first year.
• that though I stressed, I found peace here.

I found peace. It didn't come on my time. At all. But the Lord tested my patience like the lame man in Acts 3. It's possible the savior walked past this man at the temple during his ministry. Yet he was not healed until after His ascension.

The Lord often needs us to demonstrate faith before he gives assistance. I had almost given up home, but He gave me peace.