Four

In the summer of 2004, my life got flipped, turned upside down. (Fresh Prince of Bel-Air anyone?)
Mind you, I was only 10 years old, but I can honestly pinpoint that time as a huge turning point for me.

I moved.
Yep, a move in between the fourth and fifth grades altered my life.

My mom got remarried in June of 2004 and it was time for us to move to a small town in Northern California that I honestly didn't even know the name of for a few weeks until after we had moved in. I had to leave all my friends that I'd known since birth and go to this new place with seven new siblings that I couldn't remember the names of most of the time and a million other things. And I remember being so angry. And obviously I cried because I tend to do that when I don't like something. (I swear I'm aging in reverse. I'll I want to do is sleep and I cry when I don't get what I want. Am I the next Benjamin Button?)

The first few years were a blur - a lot of adjusting and adjusting again, starting at not one but two new schools, a broken wrist somewhere in there, (I think there was A's tennis racquet incident too), trying new things and then stopping them, getting ahead and falling behind - you know, the normal problems that come to a pre-teen. Let me tell you, that phase of life is just the best.

Then it blended into middle school which is also just the highlight of my life. So much greatness happened there. Okay, but no. Middle school was the worst. Those three years of EVERYONE'S life should just be spent in a closet or something and I'm just so grateful that I don't have braces anymore and I finally learned that some styles should be left to die (Never go with the fads. And don't wear like 20 different colors, B, like what were you thinking).

High school was better. I met people I can say have shaped me into the person I am today. I really feel like that's when I first decided to 'stick it to the man' and live my life for ME. Plus I met the greatest people ever and I really learned to appreciate the podunk town I lived in. It is a part of me in everything that I do.

While this is really a crash course in the story of my life, there is a point. What good came from the move?

My family grew exponentially.

I gained SEVEN new siblings. They've taught me how to love and how to laugh. They've taught me patience and acceptance. They've taught me how to live life to the fullest and to go out and experience the world. More importantly they've how best to tackle someone to get the gift card you want off the tree for Christmas and the appropriate colors for frosting when you want to shove someone's face in a cake and make them have colors up their nose (and ears) for the next few days.

I gained a bunch of adopted brothers - my bulldogs. They've made me feel special and not only needed, but wanted. They taught me to keep my standards high, but also that it's okay to let loose every once in a while. They've taught me the power of friendship that is so strong, it's life-long. They're more than just people to hang out with when I get bored. They're the ones that would find a way to make it halfway across the world if I needed them. They're also really great at "What if?" hypothetical situations that make class more interesting.

My biggest family addition was the town. Everyone in that small community reaches out in a time of need. They taught me the importance of service and giving. They taught me that it was okay to talk to that person on the street if you knew them. That they're your biggest cheerleaders and will be there long after you toss your cap at graduation. And while I sometimes hated the fact that nothing was private, I secretly loved the fact that I knew someone was always looking out for me.

That town is me. Every spot has a memory, a story, that reminds me how wonderful it was to live there. And that though I've moved on, it's frozen in time, always ready to welcome me back.

Three

"You guys," Griff said, "what we do is really cool."

It hit me today how much I love what I do.
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If you haven't read the last post you should and this will be even better.
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The second day I was at BYU, there was a fair for all the service groups on campus at New Student Orientation. Me, being the overachiever I am, had checked out the Y-Serve website to find out about all the opportunities that awaited me once I got to Provo because, you know, I had to figure it out some time. I meandered through all the options and signed up for a couple things but nothing really got me excited (except for one group that was similar to one in high school but they were really poorly organized. Anyway, not important.) And I honestly got a little discouraged. I'd never had a problem finding something interesting for myself to do.

And then I saw a silly, green and blue caterpillar that would forever change my life.

I'm pretty sure that I ran up to the booth. This was the one group I had gotten excited about when I saw it online. No car needed, work with kids affected by cancer, awesome. All stuff that applied to me.

I listened to the schpeal from Mr. Incredible himself. His passion was shown not only in the words which he spoke but in his eyes. It's this indescribable happiness that comes from working with these kids.

I got really excited about this opportunity and I thought to myself that maybe Provo wouldn't be so bad. I got an email for an application and I filled it out and took it to the first meeting. I remember meeting all these people with super weird names and being so confused - Griff, Eva, Wall-e, Green Monster.. they all had the same look in their eyes as Mr. Incredible did as they showed pictures from camp that year. They kept saying how life-changing it would be and I just brushed off.

"That's what they all say about their service groups. That's what service is SUPPOSED to do," I kept thinking.

But I turned in my application, still so excited.

Then I got an email that I needed to do another application online so I did.

Then I sat around and waited. And waited. And waited.

The timing was too good to be true. It was right around some of the hardest times of last year. I was honestly thinking of transferring schools. I struggled every day to find the purpose in me struggling through school. I just wanted to be home.

Until I got a text from Squishy. She was inviting me over to her house for their coord meeting so I could see more of what they were about. Rumor has it, a lot of people were invited. I was the only one that showed up.

I was still so confused by all the names - Curious George, Glinda, Elmo, Buttercup, Benji, Rev - but that was the first time I met some of the greatest and most influential people in my life. They sat and laughed and had this look of near desperation as they worked to plan a camp for these kids that they would put on if their life depended on it, if it was the last thing they did.

I started working on stuff right away. Looking for donors, telling people about this awesome cause, asking everything I could do. I went in to my interview just so so excited. Honestly getting the call that I'd been accepted as a counselor was one of the greatest ways to be woken up.

I went home for the summer and counted down the days till I got back to Utah so I could go to camp. Literally all my plans revolved around these kids I hadn't even met.

I showed up to camp and I felt SO nervous. I don't know why I was but I was scared to death. I thought maybe the kids wouldn't like me or maybe all the hype wasn't really what it would amount to. There's no way this week could be as life-changing as they said it was.

To say the week exceeded my expectations is an understatement. It changed my life. I didn't just meet some kids. I made a new family. These kids are my inspiration and motivation - they are why I do what I do. The pictures I have of them I keep near to my heart and encourage me to stand strong against my daily battles. Their enormous amounts of courage and strength have spread into my life. They remind me to love the little moments and to appreciate the things I have NOW rather than waiting till later.

Camp Kesem came into my life almost by accident, but it's become my everything. It pulled me out of one of the biggest trials in my life, but I literally am bursting from the seams with gratitude. I finally understand the passion that Mr. Incredible had that first day that I met him. It's one of those experiences you just want everyone to have and you wish that they believed you when you told them it changed your life.

I'm grateful that these kids are here for me, but more importantly that I can be there for them. That through their highs and lows, we're a family. And that means the world to me. 
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If you would like to help me make a difference in the lives of children struggling with a parent's cancer, click here to donate.

Two

We may not understand it always, but the Lord knows us better than we know ourselves.

Spoiler alert: you probably know the end to this story.

I had always been the girl who had it all together. My life was all figured out. I did everything - literally. I woke up, went to seminary, a full eight-period class schedule with a few APs here and there, three band classes, cheerleading, student council president, the school musical, work, and then trying to find time to eat and sleep if I was lucky. I also volunteered with a ton of service groups in town and was coordinator of a program that gives 180 children Christmas presents and planned prom and two formal dances and the list goes on and on. I didn't realize it as first but I was killing myself. Like I really don't know how I survived high school when I now get exhausted reading this list.

Junior year rolls around and I'm stressed more than ever. I was lucky if I was sleeping five hours a night and still was keeping A's {I'm not telling you this to brag but to show you where I'm coming from}. After all this, I had to study for the SAT/ACT and figure out where I was going to spend the next four years of my life.  No pressure or anything.

For the first time, I was stumped. I didn't know what I wanted. It surprised even me. Like I don't know if I can explain how undecided I was on what I was doing past June 8th, 2012.

Applications went out and I waited. I talked and researched and deliberated and wondered what I was going to do when those letters came home. 'Maybe I'll get denied from a few and that will make it easier,' I thought.

I thought wrong. 

Four acceptance letters came back and I was no closer to knowing where I was going to go anymore than I know the exact outfit I'd wear in two weeks. Info meetings, prayers, more research. At one point I was enrolled at two universities. 

I remember the day so vividly. My phone lit up and I had a message from Mom telling me it was probably best if I enrolled at BYU. I turned in my acceptance, applied for housing and paid my deposit. Then I cried. I was home alone that day and I could not stop. Why was I turning down not just the other schools but the opportunities? I was trying to maintain my composure as I called them to withdraw and get my deposit back from the other school.

People started asking me about my plans for the coming year and I couldn't just tell them my options anymore. I braced myself for the "Oh...."s and the eyerolls and the marriage jokes when I told them I was going to BYU. I had to pretend like I was happy about it when in reality, I had no idea why I was going there. Utah? It snows there. That's where people go to get there MRS degree and drop out! Not me! I had plans and goals, so why was doing this to myself?

My happy ending and my answer -my miracle- didn't come until a year and a half after that moment.

Along the way I finally got to campus and I hated everything. My friends weren't here. It snowed. Utah was weird. My roommate and I didn't always get along. I didn't have enough money. I cried myself to sleep. My classes were awful and so were my grades for the first time ever. I had friends but it didn't feel the same.

I just wanted to be anywhere but Provo, Utah.

I didn't begin to know why until my second semester. I was as lost as ever. I signed up for a religion class from a professor who literally changed my life. I made friends who actually became friends, not just people I talked to. I grew spiritually, emotionally and socially. This isn't to say that everything was fine and dandy, because it wasn't. My classes were harder than ever. I still missed home. But I realized Provo was becoming my home. People here were becoming my family. I didn't want to leave.

What was happening to me??

I went home for the summer and I realized I was counting down the days till I could go back to Utah. I talked to my new family literally everyday. I was anxious and antsy. Seriously, what was happening?

Fall 2013 was a great semester full of new experiences. I was ecstatic to be back, to have my own place, and to explore Provo even more. It didn't make sense. But the most surprising thing by far was my reaction to the first snow. I smiled and laughed at myself for smiling and did a little dance and all those cheesy cliché movie reactions. A asked me if I was feeling alright. I mean, this was really out of the ordinary. 

I had given up on wondering why I was here and just accepted it. Maybe my unanswered prayer was really and answer telling me just to enjoy the ride because I'll figure it out in the end.

Wrong.

I went to church Sunday with A and just expected a typical day at church. The Sunday school lesson was about teaching and learning and I never could've anticipated the turn of events.

C started talking about his experiences toward the end of the mission. He was enrolled at another school, he thought he had his life in order. And then the mission president told him that's not what he was to do. C accepted it because the president still received revelation for him. That's a cool story on it's own, but I was immediately drawn in; the school he was enrolled in was the same one I thought I was "supposed" to attend.

He didn't know why either but he did it. He came to know he needed to be here at BYU. The he read BYU's mission statement:

The mission of Brigham Young University--founded, supported, and guided by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints--is to assist individuals in their quest for perfection and eternal life.

How wonderful and inspiring it is to know the Lord not only provided me with an answer to my prayers but also an entire university to help me on my progression toward eternal life.

I knew

• that I needed to be here.
• that the Lord provided for me.
• that no matter how I felt, I was doing better that I thought.
• that I, who avoided for so long, needed this environment to help me because of my struggles the first year.
• that though I stressed, I found peace here.

I found peace. It didn't come on my time. At all. But the Lord tested my patience like the lame man in Acts 3. It's possible the savior walked past this man at the temple during his ministry. Yet he was not healed until after His ascension.

The Lord often needs us to demonstrate faith before he gives assistance. I had almost given up home, but He gave me peace.

One

Christmas break was a new experience for me. For the first time in my life (and I mean this in all seriousness) I wanted to spend time with my family rather than my friends. When did this happen? Last Christmas I spent more time out and less time sleeping in the hopes of soaking up all the time with those wonderful people that I could. 

For the first time I realized that they were my everything. It didn't matter that I don't completely understand everything that's going to happen after this life. My family is seven different kinds of messed up. I mean, I pretty sure it scares people away from me after they learn how messed up it is. But it's my life and I've learned to love - other people will too. 

Anyway, I spent time with my family. I tried to be home in time for dinner every night. I went out to lunch with my mom and Dave. I went and saw the other side of the family too! And almost everyone was there and that was just great - getting to catch up, see the young and the old and the in-between and eat a lot. For the first time in forever my whole family was together at Christmas and I got to play with baby R and laugh until I thought I'd pee my pants (also complete seriousness here). It was all in all a great end to 2013. 

But then it seemed in an instant, it all was going to change. I found out that all my plans had fallen through with a situation and a lot of other trials were thrown at me. My patience and my faith were being tested within two hours of the new year. What was I going to do? Not only that, but I'd gone on a whim and dropped all the classes I 'needed' and rearranged my whole schedule and what I'd thought had been a good decision at the time added to the growing mess that my life was. 

I don't know why I ever worried. 

A ended up coming back to Utah with me and I think that that was a miracle for the both of us. Flights were cheap enough for her to get back home. We had some extra money to be able to afford food and travel expenses there. My schedule worked out. My books all came out to be a lot cheaper than I thought. She got to see her friends who have found a special place in my heart also. We sat and talked about life, love, the gospel, the weather, food, and whatever else was on our mind. We watched more shows and movies than I had in the last four months and consumed enough junk to be cover our calories for a month at least (still don't regret any of it). We stayed up late and slept in and caught snowflakes on our tongues. But most importantly we looked for a place to live this summer. A needed a push to know that she needed to take a break from her life at home and seek out opportunities for herself out here. I needed to know that I wasn't alone. That even though I felt alone at times and I complained about not having any friends, I had one of my biggest fans on my side and that she would take care of me after I spend all my time taking care of everyone else. Someone that finally, FINALLY understands my situation and pretty much all aspects of it too. I can tell her everything and she'll tell me when I'm being stupid. She'll push me to do better and let me cry and above all be the friend I need when I need it. And she'll probably think this is mushy and creepy but it's okay. Because she'll love me through it.

Yes, it was a lot of fun. And yes, I spent more time goofing around the past week than I probably should have. But I also made the best memories and felt comfort that I haven't in a long time. And it brings me happiness to know that it wasn't her or I that orchestrated this but a blessing in disguise. I'm just glad I took the time to recognize it.